Relapsing...

So instead of all positive thoughts, tonight I had a relapse. It wasn't until I was sitting in the dark supporting Earth Day, that I had my relapse. It didn't help that I drank 2-3 martinis already and now polishing my 4th.

I came home to an empty house this early evening. I decided to bake and make myself a drink to relax while putting on some sappy Chinese music. By the time it rolled around to preserve as much electricity as possible for Earth Hour from 8-9, I was sitting mostly in the dark, while sitting in front of my computer and sipping on my drink, when the one feeling I didn't want to appear came. Loneliness. It was so quiet without my music playing, that I heard the rain coming down, the cars driving on the streets. The humming of my laptop, while I sipped away at my drink. All these thoughts rushed into my head, both negative and positive. I kept trying to tell myself to think positive, but that sudden feeling of loneliness is overpowering.

How can someone who once couldn't stop going out with her friends and family, or being with someone special, end up sitting at home on a Saturday night by herself drinking? What have I become? Especially since I told myself not to feel so negative. That it's time to move on and enjoy the rest of my life.

What happened to those happy times before everything became so serious in life? Why is it that I'm always so negative these days? As much as I'm trying, why do I have to force myself to be happy all the time instead of being naturally happy? How do I find peace and true happiness again?

Back to Zero, Restarting...

After spending the long weekend laughing and being with friends and family that mean a lot to me, I realize that it's simple to be happy again, even if it's momentarily. So why am I still dwelling on the past? Why am I still haunted by someone who doesn't even care for me anymore? I do not deserve these negative feelings. I deserve better.

So I look at where I am now and what I need is to restart my life. I need to reset. Let's go back to zero. Zero is where simplicity starts. No more thinking about how I hurt, no more tears, no more moping around thinking there's no one in this world caring enough. Time to enjoy everything else in life, and perhaps at the right time, everything will fall into place.

Time to go out and make new friends and reach out for those friends who I haven't seen in a long time. Time to go out and have fun, enjoy the great outdoors now that the weather is not all gloomy and rainy. Time to say goodbye to the sad memories and move on 'cause if I don't, I think I will keep falling into a deep dark hole that I can manage to come out of. By then, I would have ignored a lot of important people and wasted a lot of precious time...

So let's move on with life!

Song from "My Lucky Star"

Listening to the soundtrack for a Taiwanese show called "My Lucky Star 放羊的星星", I came across the following song, that really is something that I'm thinking I need to be right now = BRAVE...breaking up and being brave about it, even though it's what I face, walking alone down this road. In the end, the decision is mine, and I choose to be brave and face the loneliness for now. Until someone else comes along...

Title: 堅強分手
Singer: 何俊明 (He Jun Ming)

我知道你躲著我 沒跟我說理由
在電話那頭靜靜的沈默
我知道你不愛我 離去沒有回頭
在天黑以後 我學會冷漠

我會堅強分手 自已遠走
不用你擔心我 天黑了以後我
會選擇一個人過
我會堅強分手 自已遠走
不用你安慰我 孤單的時候
我會一個人到處去走走

我知道你躲著我 沒跟我說理由
在電話那頭靜靜的沈默
我知道你不愛我 離去沒有回頭
在天黑以後 我學會冷漠

我會堅強分手 自已遠走
不用你擔心我 天黑了以後
我會選擇一個人過
我會堅強分手 自已遠走
不用你安慰我 孤單的時候
我會一個人到處去走走...

我會堅強分手 自已遠走
不用你擔心我 天黑了以後
我會選擇一個人過...

孤單的時候 我會一個人到處去走走

Escaping and Forgeting

I was watching more of "Prince's First Love" today and after some incidents to the show, the girl decides to leave Korea and go far away so she can forget about the two guys (brothers nevertheless) that are fighting for her love. She tries to convince herself to forget about the one she loves and avoid the other to not hurt him. In the end the more she wants to forget, the more she really can't.

The show gets sad at certain points and you really feel sorry for the girl. She shouldn't have to escape to a far away place to try to forget everything in the past. But then again, how else will she be able to go on with life? Hiding in Tahiti, one night on a water full of stars, she wishes to see the guy that she loves, the manager, just once more. Perhaps this wish would come true, but when she sees him in what she thinks is her final time, even though she's supposed to be happy, she is sad because of the pain of not wanting to say goodbye to him.

You pine away at past memories, longing to hold onto those wonderful moments. In reality, the longer this happens, the more painful it gets. As the girl says in the show, I feel like I'm Alice (Alice in Wonderland). I've followed a rabbit to this Wonderland place and everything feels like a dream. Now I've waken up and now that I know the truth, I should break free from this dream. I've woken up for a long time, yet I am not sure how I can break free. What am I to do to save myself? To make myself happy again? Do I have to escape somewhere to forget? Or is it possible to stay and forget?

Reflections of "Prince's First Love"

Tonight I watched a korean drama called "Prince's First Love" (2004). It's about this girl who isn't really all that smart, but has a heart of gold. She falls in love with the manager of a large cellphone manufacturing company. Her and the manager are setup on a blind date and after a few differences, they finally end up working as boss and secretary. As secretary, what she lacked in administrative skills, she made up for with her caring personality, down to cleaning his office and making him coffee late into the hours when he stays behind in the office. She accompanies him to a ball, where at first you would think he's amazed by how beautiful she looks and how graceful she presents herself, but in the end, he tells her that she doesn't have what it takes to be his secretary and lets her go at the ball. When she asks him if she's qualified even as a woman, he doesn't answer. Heartbroken, she leaves the ball and leaves him.

What's amazing is her strength to continue. She receives a job offer in Bali as a resort guide, but before she leaves, she emails him and wishes him best of luck and lets him know she is moving on as a tour guide. She prepares his favourite sandwiches in lunch boxes for him and delivers it to his office. Then she leaves him.

I haven't finished watching this series, but if this guy doesn't end up falling in love with her, he should be shot!

What kind of guy can't see or appreciate what he has in front of him? Someone who is caring, loving, willing to go out of her way to make him happy. What she lacks in one thing, she makes up double in something else. Her 200% in effort isn't good enough?

I admire how strong the female character is. Can I be like her? To be able to wish him happiness and good health and move on with life?

Goodbye Destiny...

It's time to say goodbye to the one song that I really believed in, the one song that tied everything together. With this goodbye I will wish him,

• All the happiness in the world, even though I know that I cannot be the one that gives it to him.
• Time to meet someone perfect, which I know I am not the one.
• To care and love enough so he doesn't hurt anyone else like he has hurt me.
• To be able to love and commit himself to someone, even though I wasn't the one.
• To be able to share with her this song, which I no longer can listen to without feeling the pain.

Destiny no longer belongs to me for it does not mean anything to me anymore. So I say goodbye to this song, and hope someone else can use it to signify their love.

Destiny
By Jim Brickman & Michelle Wright

What if I never knew
What if I never found you
I never had this feeling in my heart

How did this come to be
I don't know how you found me
But from the moment I saw you
Deep inside my heart I knew

Baby you're my destiny
You and I were meant to be
With all my heart and soul
I'll give my love to have and hold
And as far as I can see
You were always meant to be
My destiny

I wanted someone like you
Someone that I could hold on to
And give my love until the end of time

But forever was just a word (just a word)
Something I'd only heard about
But now youre always there for me
When you say forever I believe

Baby you're my destiny
You and I were meant to be
With all my heart and soul
I'll give my love to have and hold
And as far as I can see
You were always meant to be
My destiny

Baby all we need
Is just a little faith
Cause baby I believe
That love will find a way

Baby your my destiny
You and I were meant to be
With all my heart and soul
I'll give my love to have and hold
And as far as I can see
From now until eternity
You were always meant to be
My destiny