Relapsing...

So instead of all positive thoughts, tonight I had a relapse. It wasn't until I was sitting in the dark supporting Earth Day, that I had my relapse. It didn't help that I drank 2-3 martinis already and now polishing my 4th.

I came home to an empty house this early evening. I decided to bake and make myself a drink to relax while putting on some sappy Chinese music. By the time it rolled around to preserve as much electricity as possible for Earth Hour from 8-9, I was sitting mostly in the dark, while sitting in front of my computer and sipping on my drink, when the one feeling I didn't want to appear came. Loneliness. It was so quiet without my music playing, that I heard the rain coming down, the cars driving on the streets. The humming of my laptop, while I sipped away at my drink. All these thoughts rushed into my head, both negative and positive. I kept trying to tell myself to think positive, but that sudden feeling of loneliness is overpowering.

How can someone who once couldn't stop going out with her friends and family, or being with someone special, end up sitting at home on a Saturday night by herself drinking? What have I become? Especially since I told myself not to feel so negative. That it's time to move on and enjoy the rest of my life.

What happened to those happy times before everything became so serious in life? Why is it that I'm always so negative these days? As much as I'm trying, why do I have to force myself to be happy all the time instead of being naturally happy? How do I find peace and true happiness again?